"I was raised a Roman Catholic but I was born and am a Satanist!"
This self realisation happened much later in life and it wasn´t until my mid-twenties that I was honest enough to admit to myself that deep down I had always been. For a time I did believe in what I had been taught since birth but as a child it soon became apparent that I had a genuine thirst for knowledge and would absorb anything that stimulated me, whilst at the same time discriminately discarding the teachings and advice of fools. I enjoyed spending hours debating the (in)validity of Christianity with people from the church I attended and I took pleasure in being the annoying little pin that burst their balloons with questions that they couldn´t answer. I was an Altar server for a few years and I remember one significant day whilst sat by the altar gazing at the ceiling that I asked myself `If God and Satan were real whose side would I be on ?´ I knew what the answer was deep down and it made me shudder to the core. I immediately felt very uncomfortable and self conscious being up there in front of the congregation and I left the altar. I realised that religion is built upon fear and that this fear had imprisoned me for too long. From then on I began to increasingly question the concept of God and the morality of Christianity and my church attendance gradually dwindled. This was never about rebellion for me but a genuine need for self realisation and a search for truth.
As a teenager I knew that I was different from the herd and I despised their feeble mindedness, I had a group of close friends and had no concern for gaining popularity with others. I was aware that some people feared me because I was different and others respected me for it and I used this to my advantage. I was a natural leader of my group of friends and I would tune them in to the music that I loved amongst other things. I had no concern for trends and I was probably the only kid at school who knew who Celtic Frost was. During break times I would watch the flock compete against each other with futile displays of empty posturing and would look upon them with scorn. I had a great passion for the electric guitar and Heavy Metal (and still do), and gradually drifted to darker sub-genres of Metal to quench my thirst. I felt that Metal is subject to trends just as is any other form of music and hated the way the media would hype a band one week and slate them the next, as a Satanist the whole `brotherhood of Metal´ thing has never appealed to me and I feel that I share no more in common with a crowd at a gig than I do in a shopping mall full of sheeple . I started to become interested in the occult and other religions in my later school years but found nothing that resonated within me, just a load of white-light garbage and supernatural nonsense.
When I left school I foolishly tried to `fit in´ and `be normal,´ this attempt at self deceit got me nowhere and I was trying to kid myself, naturally this didn´t last long. I have a genuine disgust for the majority of humanity and its parasites, the ignorant and those who let themselves be dragged around shopping malls with chains of consumerism firmly around their necks, I care not for the sexual congresses of celebrities,( I would rather be indulging myself) or any of the scandals the media puts in a bowl for the public to lap up and I have an immense hate for the irresponsible. I had been aware of the Satanic bible since my early teens and was putting off the inevitable by reading it, I was scared of what I would find in the pages- such is the damage caused by religious induced fear. What I found in the pages was my reflection; a person who cannot not lie to himself, who stands proud as an accuser, and who has no time for fools or following them! The ideologies presented by Dr LaVey were true to my nature and I had lived my life as a Satanist from birth without even realising it!